There have been a lot of things going on in my life recently that have really made me stop and evaluate my life. Questions like, What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What really motivates me to do what I do? How do I balance work and calling? I ask myself many times, “How far am I willing to go if I am called out my comfort zone and into something that others might deem crazy?”
In Silence: I grow impatient.
In Silence: My mind tosses solutions.
In Silence: I become frustrated.
The ringing subsides.
In Silence: I hear something
In Silence: I listen,
In Silence: I learn.
In Silence: I relax
In Silence: I unravel
and I begin to understand.
In my own little world, I don’t like to listen, I like to talk, and think and plan and scheme.
When do I stop?
I ask for things when I pray, people to be healed, things to turn out the way they should (or would like them to), etc. but when I pray, do I listen?
Is prayer really about talking?
A really good friend of mine, turned me on to this by Soren Kierkegaard.
It made me stop in my tracks.
I really am thankful for challenges that make me question things. What a blessing.
“As my prayer became more attentive and inward,
I had less to say.
I finally became completely silent.
I started to listen
-which is even further removed from speaking.
I first thought that praying entailed speaking.
I then learned that praying is hearing,
not merely being silent.
This is how it is.
To pray does not mean to listen to oneself speaking.
Prayer involves becoming silent,
and being silent,
and waiting until God is heard.”
For the longest time, I have been super busy at work and not just work, but church too, as well as this artist expression I call music. Truth be told, I have enjoyed telling people how busy I am. But as I really sit back and think about busyness, what does that actually mean, and what does it communicate to people in my life? There is a difference between being busy and being productive. What is my real motivation in telling people how busy I am?
Maybe the answer is that I make a habit out of being busy and telling the world how busy I am so I can indulge in self-pity and show people how important I am.
Wow! That last sentence sounds horrible and reeks of arrogance. ….. But it is a part of me that I cannot keep locked up. This is what I am wrestling with.
My wife told me something the other day that really challenged and convicted me: “stop the glorification of busy”.
“Wait, what?!” I said. Then it hit me…..
How often do I say that I am so busy and it is really a cry for people to look at me and validate my own pride and accomplishments so that people think I am valuable?….
I think I need to stop complaining about being busy. It’s one thing to tell people that I am busy and need some help, but its another to say that I am busy in order to seek the validation of others.
Of course, not all busyness is bad, but I wonder what is our motive to be busy and what is our motive to tell others.
I don’t have the answers to all of this, but I write of these things because I want to think through it, and I don’t want to go through life day after day blinded by what is really inside of me or around me.
What are my motives behind what I do and say? Do I want to encourage and speak life into those around me, or do I want to validate my own selfish desires and feed my ego?
What do you think about this? I would love to hear your thoughts!!!